Kimm ♡

3.19.10

There is so much behind this day . That it is absolutely unexplainable. i look at the date , and its like my head just HAS to remind me what it means. I could forget any other day , but not today. 

Two years ago , on this very day. March 19. My life changed . The kind that kills you and brings you down to the lowest part of you . The one you were so sure of , but at the same time it was in your face the fact that it was nothing you thought it was.

It’s been 7 months since we walked away from each other entirely. That I’ve been having to live , with this pain in my heart. 7 months , and not a day goes by , that it does not cross my head. Not one single day.  I see around and I see so many girls and I know they’ll say ” Oh , I went threw the same thing”  . And I wanna scream in their face:

No! You do NOT know what it feels like. The pain behind being so stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid for thinking he loved you after cheating on you literally every single months for an entire year and six months. You do NOT know the feeling of laying in bed crawling around , crying like if someone died , hoping he answered the 98765432 call , after he screw up and hang up with no shame. You do NOT know what it feels like to love a person so much , and not being able to let go, despite that he cheated on you with at least 7 different girls. You do NOT know the impotence , of seeing your relationship from someone else’s perspective , and realizing , they have a point. They have a point on thinking we where never supposed to be together , that a year and six months were wasted , for me . Not for him. Cause while no matter how many guys came or left , he never left my head , while he was thinking of a new girl to have fun with , than come back to me , cause he knew I’d be there.  The impotence behind not being able , not having the right words , to explain to someone , how different I saw this relationship. How meaningful it was . How it is not as SIMPLE or USUAL or TYPICAL .. most of all , as they all think it is. i hate the fact that it was typical , when I thought it was different. 

It’s been 7 months. That I’ve had keeping myself from looking for him , that I’ve held his memory on the corner of my head. Yet , it keeps finding its way back from time to time. 7 months , of nonstop thinking , and remembering, and pain. 7 months , that I’ve had to realize how bad the relationship really was , yet I always find an excuse to why it didn’t represent that to me. It’s been so much , that I have not tears to cry. my heart cries and I go back to those days moving around my bed like crazy , but the tears don’t come. And it is not a pretty feeling , sometimes I think it’s worst than crying. I feel the tears , my throat has a knot, but my eyes won’t cry. I’ve asked myself if its god’s way of making me strong. and sometimes I think yes , others I doubt on it. 

He tore me , to the smallest pieces of myself. He got the best of me . Every single day , i would pray to god , he would realize how much I loved him.  For him to open his eyes , and stopped for last. I promise god to stay faithful to him , I told him I did not care leaving the “fun” of my high school years. It sounds so retarded . But it meant the world to me. I prayed every night before I went to sleep. The few times I went to churchI did as well. For god to help us , that when he looked into my eyes , his heart would fall in place. But it never did… .it never did , in a hear and a half I was not capable of showing all I felt for him enough. 

I did not mean enough to him for him to drop everything. Matter fact , I meant nothing to him. I was  ONLY a girl who stood there to spend sometime , while he found someone else to mess around with. and ‘til this day , this very minutes. The sentences I just wrote, still make me break down.  Working so hard for something , and getting nothing out of it . when you made someone your reason to be , but it was never enough. I don’t know where it went wrong . Or if it was ALL wrong since the beginning , why it happened. 

We had so many dreams. We wanted to succeed together. Nothing but success. We looked fwd to our future . And it was a future of hard work , never of laying back and not get anywhere , we had dreams anyone would be proud of. I tried to make him proud. I held myself towards him. I reminded him of my promise to stay committed to him. I tried to be everything he wanted me to be . What was so wrong with that… I tried to fix my mistakes , everyone makes mistakes right ? … but I apologized , and I worked hard every single day to keep him up in a love cloud with me. What was so wrong with that . I didn’t hurt anybody. And oh , how i remember those days , when he would leave me for other girls , and they would hate me for no apparent reason , but they got the best of me. What did I ever do to them to take what i loved the most away. I never realized , he was the one walking towards them. Making images in their head , of how horrible of a girlfriend I was. How ridiculously mean and cold hearted I was to him… When all I ever tried doing was be the best for him. But he had a different perspective of best. He always did. 

On this very day. March 19.2012 , it would’ve been two years , since i was with that person. Since the day , I became the girlfriend of the person whom would change my entire self being. Who would give me a ring that lays in the back of all my jewelry cause still to this day , I do not have the strength to look at. Who I gave my all to , getting nothing back. The person , I would’ve given anything to. Whom I’d give my life for , just to get him the one precious thing he missed since he was a little kid. The person I saw at the top top top. Whom I thought was #1 . And there were no one better than him. he was my one and only . My champion . There was no one in this world that could over come him. Never , he was at the top . No matter what he did. He was everything I waited for. My top guy, and I was nothing like it for him. and that kills me.

I’m laying in bed , and after seven months of holding back… I am letting go of the few things that I can explain of what I feel for him… I look around and everything still reminds me of him. I still remember what this place looked like when he was still around. when his shirt would be right behind my bed . So I could hug it . When I would wear that ring everywhere I went. and it was right in front of my mirror. in the middle , so every single day I could look at it. The few days , his football shirt was hanged right next to my dresser , and I looked at it being so proud of him. I would stare at it , and hug it . I remember it was when we broke up , and I could not believe it. I would hug it not letting it go , pouring my heart in it, praying he’d say sorry and came back.  The mirror behind my bed , ran from corner to corner with the pictures of me and him. and his letters where right there too . I would read them , to remind me why I was still here. His medals , stayed in the corner. Everything around me was about him , everything. and if I close my eyes I can see all of this back to place , where it used to be , how it used to be. 

I’ve been hiding this for seven months , not knowing how to let it go , and this still is not enough. I try my best not to show it. And I think god has heard my prayers , I can say I am stronger now. I look at myself , and remember the night I forced my throat and asked god to give me strength to walk away, for the first time. It was the first step. and it was the hardest one. To admit , it was time…. there was nothing left of me. I was lost and I did not recognize myself. I was not a happy person. My smile meant nothing. I wanted to crawl in my bed , and never have to talk to anyone. And those prayers that took sooooo much from me  , realizing I was asking to leave , from what I thought I couldn’t live without. Those prayers , that I had to force my throat for , while crying.. trying to mean them.. brought me here. . gave me the strength , to see him talk to his girlfriend , to see him make her his on my own birthday…. to read his words , as he explained.. He had nothing with her back then, and he could no longer say the same.. Hear of how happy he looked with her. To hear of how happy she makes him.. To have to sit back… and let it all pass by me. Cause I lost… Cause there was absolutely nothing I could’ve done , or even would’ve done. Cause that’s how things had to be. And that’s how they were…. I tortured myself, doing things that hurt me so bad. I did not text him back the few times he texted me… I changed my phone number. I threw away , the pictures , the letters , the gifts. all that ever meant the world to me. Had to go. and not cause I wanted it to , but because it was the right thing to do…..  My father heard me cry for a boy , for the first time… and it was so bad , no matter how hard i tried not to make him feel bad for not being here. I could not hold it back… I was broken , and there was no possible way , I could hide it. There was nothing left of me , not one bit . He had taken it all the day he left. The day he turned around and said he was finally done with me . The day he left me , and never looked back. The day I had to start , and do what in my head and heart where wrong ,and torture myself to what was right tho my heart refuses to …  because I know that someday … I will be proud of it. 

Don’t think I hate you. I shall never do. I still pray for you. and Able.. and your beautiful wonderful mother. I could never wish you bad. I wish you the best in life. You deserve it . Cause you work hard for the things that mean something to you. And i admire you for that. for a year and a half , 7 months ago..  and til this day. I believe in you. And I KNOW you can , get far. 

I look forward to the day , when I see him , and we smile at each other , remembering not the bad but the good things. If there’s any good things I gave him to remember. And we see our lives set. And I hope  ,God let’s us both reach our goals. God bless you.